i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize