Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
