I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
