u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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