Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
