his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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