i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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