SEEEEXXX PLEASE
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
