The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
