I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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