WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
