Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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