Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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