Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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