The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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