You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
