I'm really into asian looking animals
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Semen is not good for contacts.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
