he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
