She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
