i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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