We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I am one with the molecules
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
