I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
