You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
