I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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