I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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