he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
