You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
