im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
