i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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