umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
