It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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