Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
