Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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