She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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