im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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