I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize