I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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