she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
