I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Randomize
