My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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