Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
