i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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