you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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