I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
