I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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