ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
