watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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