The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
