Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
