so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize