I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
