dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
