We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
