I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
