I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
