so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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