I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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