My sheets look like a crime scene.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
