I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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