What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
