ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
