so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
