Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
